You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support