You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.