[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Become ungovernable.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
They must have gotten it to go.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.