-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
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Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me