He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
They got a point!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.