gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.