Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “