ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Unexpected Judgment
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!