All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
This checks out
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?