Well, this is awkward
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.