“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Guy who likes music
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it