I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Wasps: bees, but not helping
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I triple waxed for this?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?