I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up