“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Tell me you get it…🤣
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?