“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.