“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!