I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,