The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr