The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…