*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
You Might Also Like
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Is your wife single?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.