Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
You Might Also Like
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
how to market bottled water to dads
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.