Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I had to Stop for this
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*