If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
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I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
handsome & gretel
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”