“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Oops I deleted….
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party