“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
You Might Also Like
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?