Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
new shirt idea
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …