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wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.