Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?