Home is where your toilet is.
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How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
How actors in movies eat their food
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.