Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Oh yeah that’s it
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
A sick whale is called an unwhale
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.