Cats are still liquid.
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.