I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card