Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
this chia pet tastes awful
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.