me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
We’ve all been there…
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Weighing up my bread heating options
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description