Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
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Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!