Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.