10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”