Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Teamwork makes the dream work.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.