when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before