My background check bounced.
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I put the h in mysterious.
There is no “we” in pizza
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off