If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.