Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.