Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
You Might Also Like
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
watergate? u mean a dam??
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.