Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.