If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Always…
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out