Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!