Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
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A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.