chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.