Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
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Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
back to work
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”