WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The smoothest fall of all time
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me trying to look natural in photos
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.